5 1/2 years later…

On February 22, 2010, in Uncategorized, by Andrea

… and it’s still a mind fuck.

I know – “ANDREA!  Don’t say that!”

My parents — Hi dad!  Hi mom!  Cause well, they’re my parents, duh.

Newbie post-ops — now groaning, saying “Oh noes!  I thought it was the easy way out!”

But for the people that are awhile out – they’re nodding now.  They get it.  The constant battle of maintenance, of regains and fighting the malabsorption.. add in the body image issues and you get a whole new set of issues to deal with.

See, I’m sitting here and the scale is finally firmly planted in onederland (for you non-ops, that means I’m finally in a weight where the number starts with 1 — big deal?  You’ve not been fat long enough.  Shut up.) and I know I won’t swing into twoterville unless I do major diet damage.  I mean, we’re here now.  I’m officially 3 lbs to “overweight land.”

And it gets better — my bariatric GI asks the other day if I’ve thought about stopping the weight loss soon.  My brain stopped working for a few minutes there.. the gears were all kinda meshing together and it was not pretty when they just kinda went wacky.  But to put things in perspective, he saw me 6 months and 20lbs up.  So 6 months from now, and maybe 20lbs down?  I could be at “goal.”

I say “goal” because goal for me requires knives and a hoover wet vac.  I realize this, so I added 10lbs to account for that.

So to be 20lbs to “goal”?  Really?  It seems odd.

And so I look at that.  And I look at the scale.  And I look at the antiquated-that-doesn’t-mean-shit BMI chart that still has me as obese, and I’m just going back and forth with all of that in my head.  But on top of that I look in the mirror.

I know better than to trust what I see without clothes — I realize I need knife and hoover — so no.  But when I see me in a mirror, I’m starting to be okay with that image.  Not well, but okay.  But then I’ll see a picture of me and it’s like I’m 320 all over again – maybe not QUITE 320 — but at least 250.  I see every roll of skin, every bit of flaw in a picture that I don’t see in a picture whereas most people need pictures to see the difference.

So I am just as screwed up in terms of body image at 5 1/2 years post-op as I was pre-op.  I’m not sure that will ever change, even with the aforementioned tools of shaping.

We’re all a bit broken — some more so than other.

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1 Response » to “5 1/2 years later…”

  1. MelissaF says:

    I hear ya Andrea. However, I will say that having my LBL has helped my body image disturbance tremendously. I can finally look in the mirror and say confidently that I have come a long way. Before, not so much. This body was hidden under all that extra skin. I just couldn’t see it, all I was seeing was a deflated version of the obese me. Now of course I see other places that could use some tweaking and find I have new issues… pear now instead of an apple perhaps when trying on clothes as the thighs are my biggest place rather than my stomach. But overall, yeah…. I would do the LBL again and again… it boosted my self-esteem and finally gave me an understanding of just how far I have come. I hope that helps you if you ever choose to go the route of plastics. Not saying it will be the case for you or anyone else, but it was for me. *hugs*

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