On February 2, 2011, in Uncategorized, by Andrea

If there is no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. –Mother Teresa

I’m puzzled.

And irate.

And puzzled.

And irate again.

And back to puzzled.

It’s much like the proverbial ping pong ball.  My emotions pop between the two with dizzying speeds.  One moment I’m sitting here, and the puzzlement (and at times utter bafflement) are manifest.  And then I’m reminded by some of the things going on and I’m irate again.

It seems that most of the divisiveness seemed to come to a head in the WLS community when the BBGC came to be in existence.  Finally, there was a group for those who preferred the plain-spoken truth of  life after weight loss surgery rather than couching everything in postivity-clad spun words.  This group was there for those who did not feel comfortable telling their truths in the other forums, the other “hang-outs” as they were made to feel as failures to their tool.  Many times due to no fault of their own.  But had been shunned because they were not happy enough.

By the way, who determines “positive support” or “happy enough”?  Cause it sure as hell isn’t me.

See, these third grade elementary school childish antics are the exact reason I hated high school as a fat chick.  Screw that – I just plain hated people in school.  I liked the school part, just not the people.  And it started very young.  I was fat.  I was not allowed to be one of the “popular kids” because I was fat.  Therefore, I was relegated to either the grunge crowd, the geeks (which was fine because I was one..), or the Ag kids growing weed in the greenhouse (but shh.. I didn’t just say that.. there was a reason they were accepting of EVERYONE).  No matter how I dressed, what car I’d drive?  I’d never BE a popular kid because I was fat.  I’d always be on the outside looking in.

These childhood games are leading into the WLS world.  And it’s sad.  Perhaps we should be reading teen angst blogs rather than blogs of adults with gut rerouting surgery.  Because the dynamic IS THE SAME.

We have the popular kids of WLS – who wear the right clothes, do the right things, and are loved by the masses.  Everyone wants to be them!  They are the cool ones!  They are the homecoming kings and queens, the cheerleaders, the student class president!  And because of this perceived popularity, they believe they hold the power over the rest of us.  And what’s sad?  Is that they are ganging up against our own.  Suddenly.  Again.  Inexplicably.  It is dizzingly, amazingly, crazily, asinine.

But what happens is that eventually the rest of us figure out that we really aren’t all that different.  We’ve ended up in the same place as the “cool kids.”  And guess what?  There are more of us than there are of them.

In the end, we are all the same – nothing really divides us besides what is in our heads.  We put these people on pedestals and in positions of power.  And we can take that perceived power away just as easily simply by standing up and saying “Enough is enough.”

Have respect for one another.  Have friends.  But this divisiveness that marks the WLS community?  Must end.  It is not a contest, and it is not about them or us.  It is about the whole.  This is NOT a popularity contest – this is LIFE.

Tell the truth.  Be honest.  Have integrity in your actions.  Don’t act with malice in your heart.  Don’t be the bully you rail about.

Because it’s amazing how people will find out what your true intent is.

Related Posts with Thumbnails

21 Responses to “Divisiveness”

  1. liese says:

    Hear, hear! What an awesome post.
    I know exactly how you feel.
    I wasn’t even a nerd. I was the quiet girl who wore a mask with a smile. Having very few people i could call friend.

    I was a loner.
    alone in the fat suit.
    wide load
    miss piggy.

  2. MM says:

    I hung with the band, and I WAS the vocational kid hanging with Ag. LOL.

    <—-Marketing. Mass State DECA CHAMPION, baby.

  3. Anne says:

    Such clarity and truth! I was one of the nerds who focused on studying because it was the only thing I was good at. I can’t say I always wanted to be in the cool kid set, coz it clearly wasn’t going to happen. But I did want to be respected and liked as a normal person and not ostracized because of my size – and how I dealt with it.

    So it’s hard seeing the same kind of division in the WLS community because we’re already split from the “I can do it on my own” weight loss world. And within WLS we have RNY and lapband and sleeve folks. Add to that the “I’m the poster child for doing it right” vs. the “Things aren’t working so great for me” and it makes me crazy. Thanks for saying it so much better.

  4. ClaudiaS says:

    I was the kid everyone liked to hate. Just because I was fat. It still haunts me. It hurts.

  5. Kierie says:


  6. Amanda says:

    I was one to hang with the geeks in HS. Who knew I’d marry a geek, lol
    Kudos for speaking the truth! It’s really sad how so many have resorted to childhood drama as adults who know better! No one is above anyone else and those who think they are somehow more important are sadly mistaken! In a community where we are supposed to support, encourage and love one another, many have forgotten where they came from! When did it become more about popularity and less about the reason most of us had wls to begin with? It’s really sad that so many want to keep the truth, the realities of life so hush hush! Life isn’t always pretty no matter how people try to paint it!

  7. Laurie says:

    Excellent post, my friend! I think that people like us grew up so wanting to be a part of the “in” crowd that we sometimes forget what pain there was when all of a sudden we fit the mold and can be in the “in” crowd. We all know that there are people who were never true to themselves when they were fat and once they are skinny they start doing all kinds of stuff they would never have done. I see these people causing division as those people who aren’t true to themselves and want to keep others in pain in order to bring themselves up. It is about respecting all people, no matter what. Respect is so important. People can always have different points of view, it’s the respect that is usually missing. Sad.

  8. JaimeK says:

    “Have respect for one another. Have friends. But this divisiveness that marks the WLS community? Must end. It is not a contest, and it is not about them or us. It is about the whole. This is NOT a popularity contest – this is LIFE.

    Tell the truth. Be honest. Have integrity in your actions. Don’t act with malice in your heart. Don’t be the bully you rail about.”

    That is it for me..those two “little” statements that aren’t so little. Our community as a whole has become very combative. Your way may not be my way and my way may not be your way, but it doesn’t change the fact that there are still a lot of similar things that can be focused on for you or I to understand where someone is coming from. The surgery is the same – the person is not – the experience is not…even for the Barbies.

    As always…brilliant. Peace.

  9. MM says:

    The experiences are totally different, and what I am learning is the pre-operative experiences make us VERY DIFFERENT SPECIES, and some species bite the heads off of others for not having the same results.

  10. Nikki Massie says:

    Thankfully, I am too self-absorbed to even know what this divisive faction is or who are the ring leaders. But for what it’s worth, I think that our community would be a whole lot more peaceful if we realized three things: #1 – we aren’t all built the same (inside or out) and we shouldn’t expect the same results as anybody else, #2 – it’s a process. We each go through it at our own pace. Just because I am at a different place in the process doesn’t make me a nuisance and #3 – that WLS is one aspect of a whole LIFE. If this thing IS your life…your whole entire life…there are other issues you need to worry about more than who is failing their tool.

  11. Theresa says:

    I couldn’t agree more. Thank you.

  12. @lindajones says:

    it seems wherever anonymous people gather, bullying rears its ugly head.

  13. Carrie says:

    Well I agree, while I was not big in high school I was in fact friends with all the groups. I never put myself in any group cause i like people not groups. I have just always been like that. AND I am still like that now. I can not stand some people that are supposed to be the pillars of our community and i love the ones people love to hate :) That said I am sorry to say there will never be peace in our “group” …WHY? because some people never get out of the “high school” mentality and love the drama more than everything else. So as much as I would love to see the bullshit end, I do not think it will.
    We come from all walks of life and all have different reasons for needing surgery in the first place. The fact that we have all had surgery is probably the only common thing WE ALL have to share. Other than that people will always make cliques and “groups” it baffles me but that is just how it is.
    Just be true to yourself cause in the end you are the only one that will be there to the end.

  14. Sherry says:

    Very, very well said! I’ve never liked the “Hatfields & McCoys” game playing. And I don’t like choosing sides. I just want to be with a support group where, I can be myself and not condemned if I do something deemed “wrong”. I am human, so I will, so i’ll move um west, and try to do better for myself as I can. I think it’s OK to agree to disagree! I never was alone, but I was FAT, and I usually ran with the Rebels. I was a hard person with a huge heart. That might sound contridictive but I was always the last one to back down. But the first one to help out. Let’s all get along and allow everyone to keep it real!

  15. Canticles says:

    I have a theory that just like some people who experience trauma have a some form of arrested emotional development, growing up or becoming obese is another form of trauma that can lead to the same result. So there you have the juvenile behavior. And for that, I feel sad for those of us who haven’t been able to face it head on and deal with it. Heck, sometimes you believe you HAVE dealt with it until the whole house of cards comes tumbling down. I like what Nikki said about it being a “process.” We all get along on our journey at a different pace, and that’s okay. But some people just don’t get that.

  16. Julie says:

    “Tell the truth. Be honest. Have integrity in your actions. Don’t act with malice in your heart. Don’t be the bully you rail about.”

    This to me is the most powerful statement I’ve heard in awhile. It has such an impact and has almost what feels like a weight on my chest. Not like guilt, more like a shield I must carry and remember always.

    I was in the band, I twirled the flag & rifle. I was a Bando. But I also hung out with the out casts. We’d smoke off campus. I related to Pretty in Pink, the darker side of that movie. Not the Soc’s

    We all want to belong.

  17. Lady Lithia says:

    Perhaps…. perhaps sometimes the ones who are all glitzy-glamour-homecoming kings and queens…. perhaps they were there before. Perhaps they fell from their pedestal….got FAT….and wanted it all back, and glory in their newly reclaimed pedestals of old. OR… in some cases, they were NEVER the popular kids, never the queen of the prom, but when they finally acheived what they wanted, they took on the behaviors of those in those positions…. I don’t know or understand it. I really LIKE a lot of the people and admire them, but they’re just as human, and flawed, as I am. Boy am I FLAWED. I do what I can with what I have and I have no magic answers.

    I think in the end, we, as people who have been ostracized, respond more emotionally and passionately to the sort of high-school behavior we abhorred when there. Either by joining the abuse others bandwagon, or refuting it. Doesn’t seem to be much of an in-between.

    I’m just glad for MY success, such as it is, and I continually work on my issues, so that I might overcome them before they overcome me!

  18. MM says:

    Lithia –

    That was one of my theories – maybe they WANT the popularity NOW if they never HAD IT BEFORE.

    Give them a reality series, a book, a billboard.


    I don’t want it.

    I just want to support myself, carry on and call out bullshit when I see it.

  19. Beth says:

    …and don’t shit on me for trying.

    Take your clique and shove it.

  20. Audra says:

    Love it. This is why I’ve stayed away from chat and posting sites in the more recent months. I can’t fathom why there are so many people wanting to accuse those who are not “perfect.” I wasn’t perfect before surgery, why would I be now?

    Oh, and I was one of those who had to have everyone like me in high school–happy face, sad heart, fat body. I know…that old story…

    Keep speaking out–there are so many who listen…

  21. Amy says:

    This resonates with me on so many levels. I’m new to the WLS world,being only 10 months from surgery but already I can see from some boards there is still a division among us.

Leave a Reply