Seven Years

On August 10, 2011, in Uncategorized, by Andrea

It’s no surprise to y’all here on the blog, to those that follow on FaceBook, certainly those who follow on Twitter, and my email readers that I’ve been more quiet than usual. I suppose it’s time to explain a bit more in detail rather than a bit here and there.

My surgiversary has come and gone. That was just another day on my calendar and it is simply a reaffirmation that I am just as fucked up today as I was when I was fat — but just in a different fashion.

Let me explain a bit.

It’s no secret that I’m a bit quiet in general. I have trust issues, I’m cynical, and I’m not really hugely out-going. Being “out-there” in the community has brought these issues out a bit more-so for me. This blog was never meant to be a psychological exploration of my self, of why I became fat, why I am who I am inside, etc.

This blog was designed to go through the supplements post-op. Perhaps a few of the psychological issues I see in the community. Self-advocacy and teaching our professionals to help us. Raising kids in a post-op environment.

But this was never to be my journal.

I’m not knocking those who choose to use their blog as a journey of introspection. Many get help from those blogs. I’m not one of them. I can’t write my feelings out for potential strangers to read my innermost thoughts and pick them apart in minute detail.

This goes back to aforementioned trust and cynacism issues. So even writing this? Difficult.

All around me, I see what weakness has made
Too much tomorrow, I think I’ll take all today
Am I a poison? Am I thorn in the side?
Am I a picture perfect subject tonight?

I don’t need nobody.
I don’t need the weight of words to find a way to crash on through.
I don’t need nobody,
I just need to learn the depth of doubt or faith to fall into.


About 13-14 months post-op, I developed debilitating, daily chronic headache. Given that I was pregnant at the time, we assumed my migraines had returned from pre-op and were amplified by the growing alien. Was given narcotics to use as needed to not kill anyone, and tried 3-4 prophylactics to try and mitigate the pain while finding that concentrating on Sudoku was a way to avoid jumping into traffic. Pain on daily basis hung out around 5/10, with peaks around 7/10. I lived in bed through most of the occupation.

Postnatal, the headaches continued. We figured it was due to hormones, then the birth control. They got better, but never went away. Yes, we tried various methods of control — and eventually, though absolutely terrified of shots (but not of needles ad blood draws), I allowed my first occipital nerve block.

Trigger points, or occipital nerve blocks, are a series of 8-12 injections in the greater and lesser occipital nerves of the head and neck, last 10-12 weeks, and brought my pain from the average 5 to a 3-4. It was a start. Narcotics were given as abortive pain control.


Here I slumber to awake my daze
I find convienence in the savior I save
Am I prison? Am I a source of dire news?
Am I a picture perfect reason for you?

I don’t need nobody.
I don’t need the weight of words to find a way to crash on through.
I don’t need nobody,
I just need to learn the depth of doubt or faith to fall into.


Fast forward 5 years to June of this past year.

While at ASMBS, I discovered that the narcotics I have been using began rebounding on me.

A basic definition of rebound, or medication overuse headache, is this -

You take a pill for a headache.
30 minutes later, the headache is worse.
You take another pill for the headache, perhaps even a stronger dose, thinking the headache wasn’t resolved with first dose.
30 minutes later, the headache is even worse.
Repeat cycle until you figure out it’s time to pull out the needles that freak your roommates out.

This was June.

And before you ask, of COURSE I called my neurologist.

But he left for Europe a few days before I was leaving for Europe (for 3 weeks) and so I couldn’t get in to see him. And when I called immediately AFTER my trip, my first appointment was August 16th.

So I have been weeks with NO pain control, whatsoever.

And things are sliding. Badly.


And in this time of substitute, it’s my needs I’ve answered to all the while.
And all the hope that I invest turns to signals of distress, all the while.


This isn’t a “pity party” for Andrea post.

This is an explanation as to why I’m not getting my shit together. Why it’s hard for me to get back to email — because as soon as I sit down to do something, a shrill shriek from the kids sets off my head. Or the inability to sleep is affecting my concentration to answer emails or write posts. Or. Or. Or.


I don’t need nobody.
I don’t need the weight of words to find a way to crash on through.
I don’t need nobody,
I just need to learn the depth of doubt or faith to fall into.

You’re all I need
When the water runs deep
You’re all I need
Now I cry my soul to sleep

- Needs, Ed Rolland


So give me some time.

Cause at 7 years, I’m still broken. And anyone who says they are “fixed” after surgery? Is lying.



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10 Responses to “Seven Years”

  1. Dagny says:

    We are what we tell ourselves we are.

  2. Jules says:

    I hurt for you. I wish I could help. But know I’m thinking of you and pray you get some relief soon.

  3. Lisa says:

    Here’s to praying that making it till August 16 isn’t too overwhelming and that the Neurologist will have some answers for you.

    <3 Collective Soul

  4. Barb says:

    Thank you for your information. I am sorry that people often make the mistakes of thinking their opinions are wanted or even needed. I just know that without the information you are posting, many people won’t get what they need. For you doing that, despite not likely to be ‘out there’ is a wonderful gift. Again, thank you very much!

  5. Angie says:

    A really dumb question, considering you are already a mom…
    Are you pregnant?

    I am 2 1/2 years out and hadn’t had a migraine since surgery. I got pregnant and wham. Except I had no idea I wasn’t pregnant… Not a frigging clue. I assured my PCP I was not, that my headaches, general grumpiness, sleeplessness, etc was because I was depressed and could not kick the headache…. Turns out, I was wrong…. By the time I figure it out, I was 2 months pregnant…

  6. Andrea says:

    I checked, despite the IUD. Twice.

    I wish it were that easily explained.

    And yeah, migraine was one of my first clues.

  7. Hala says:

    (HUGS). Thansk for posting, the good, the bad and the in-between.

  8. Michelle says:

    So sorry. Migraines suck. I’m a chronic daily migraine sufferer too.

    Have you tried Botox? I suppose it’s a similar concept as nerve blocks…but different drug and mechanism.

  9. Andrea says:

    My old neuro never got his act together and got the approval. It still requires hoops to be jumped through via the insurance company in NC as it was JUST approved by BCBSNC. New neuro is willing to do the work, though.

  10. Michelle W. says:

    Thank you for your honesty. And thank you for all I’ve learned from you in your posts on OH. :)

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