It’s been a long time since I’ve posted.
I know this. It’s not because I’ve not wanted to post anything.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened up the editor and tried to write something.. only to come up blank and then given up. But at some point. caution does not become the better part of valor and giving up does not do any favors.. and well, for me that day is today.
I’ve been very apathetic about the WLS community for awhile now.
Not in helping the people in it.. but the community as a whole. And in looking back, I think that began around summertime. In speaking with Kaitlin N yesterday, we both agreed on a few instances which probably started the ball rolling, and yeah, summertime was about the time in which things began roiling to a nice simmer. The full boil happened this fall, with explosion this past November.
I still answer emails, facebook messages, even posted blog posts here or there.. but for the most part, I became disenchanted with a great deal of what was happening within the community as a whole. I wanted to help the individuals, but seeing the way certain people behaved did not foster my desire to help the group. And this behavior is what turned me away from religion, large groups, etc.
And so this resentment grew.
Now, keep in mind that my idealist nature, and my very strict moral code of “black and white” kept telling me I wouldn’t compromise myself at all. But in looking back.. I did. Because I kept silent on a few things that I wish now I hadn’t. I’m not going to rehash some things, but it makes me remember that we are all broken in some form or fashion. My form of broken means I’m extremely loyal to those that do eventually get close to me.. and that means that yes.. I will compromise myself even for them. And that realization was not a pleasant one.
In any case, my apathy grew.
But, questioned a psychologist I see, what is the true difference between apathy and zen? Both are, in essence, a state of not doing anything to change the current state.
And the only real answer I can give is how happy I am by the state of my inaction. Am I happy about not doing anything? Or am I unhappy about that inaction?
Right now, I can only say that I’m trying to get back to where I used to be – wanting to help the community. But I’ll be truthful in that I’ve seen so much hurt, anger, and resentment come from this group of people that are trying to grab onto their new lives with both hands. And it’s not exactly the prettiest of pictures.
Am I pointing fingers? No. Because I’ve been there. We all have. We all will be again. Because we’re human, and we fuck up. It’s part of it.
But I’d like to stop being so inactive and try to change. This isn’t zen; this is apathy.
I’m really trying to change from being so black and white to someone who sees more shades of gray. And I’ve stepped away from those who have had me change my moral compass – because in the end, I have to look at myself in the mirror at the end of the day and live with the person in the reflection.
And so this is just another bump in my road. It’s been a long one, but whoever said WLS was an easy fix certainly never had the surgery. They never knew what we would have to go through, nor would they have to live this life. But after 7+ years, I can tell you that it’s just getting started.